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No Resolution, No Responsibility

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It’s all over.  The decorations are mostly taken down and dismantled [though not packed away yet] and the mince pies are eaten.  Christmas, our last first Christmas, has passed.

We lost Excalibur to the fields beyond the Rainbow Bridge and simultaneously tried to celebrate Baby Hero’s first Christmas time as we have for Jensen and Lyoto.  Most of my plans never were executed, or put into action haphazardly, and so now I have a stock of items ready for next year instead.

Our elves put in a lacklustre performance because of our situation – except for a few instances, like when the Pyjama Elves bought the boys new PJs [Elf on the Shelf ones].
It feels so wrong to say it was a merry Christmas – because Christmas Day, with all of the excitement and hustling, and the joy on our boys’ faces [not least because they had Granny and Grandad here], really was amazing.  I cooked my first Christmas dinner solo, on our new range cooker, and what needed to be done was done.
Yet I felt so almost evil, having fun when I’d held my fur baby Excalibur in my arms the day before Christmas Eve, as we made the decision to let him leave us and his pain behind.  I don’t think the memory will ever not haunt me.  It’s on a loop in my head, and breaks my heart over and over.
Instead of resolutions this year as I planned to make, I have wishes, hopes and dreams.  Perhaps they’re wishes that will never be granted, hopes that are futile and dreams that will never come true – but the responsibility to make things happen is lifted from me.  I’m going to take this year easy, and be kind to myself and my family.  Happy is appreciating where you are and what you have now, not what you hope to be and have.
My word for this year is healing.

 

 

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25 Comments

  1. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your loved family member. It's never easy to lose a member of the family like that and I think it hurts even more because it happened right before Christmas. Sending virtual hugs.

  2. Wow…I'm so sorry to hear about the loss. Right around Christmas too, which does make it worse. Healing is your word for this year, and so that's what we'll pray for. Best to you and yours!!

  3. I think healing is a great word for the new year. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Fur babies are really just like family. It's so hard to lose them, especially around the holidays.

  4. I think healing is a perfect word for you this year. I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost my Lily (english bulldog) right before Christmas. Just keep remembering that excalibur left all of his pain behind!

  5. I have been trying to think of what my word could be. I stopped doing resolutions a few years ago. I like your word, 'healing.' That is really something I should focus on this year too.

  6. I can relate to you all so well. I lost my daughter in 2013 and every Holiday is not the same. Thanks for the reminder to be kind to myself and my family. Sometime's, I forget because of the pain that I'm in. If you need to talk, I'm here!

  7. I am so sorry about your loss and during the holidays. I lost my Grandpa on Christmas day a couple years back and it was so hard. I will keep you and your family in my prayers! As for my resolutions I don't make any just goals 🙂

  8. I'm so very sorry. We lost our darling little pug earlier this year as well. It still hurts terribly so I know how you feel. But you should feel guilty about enjoying the holidays with your family. After all, Excalibur was part of what made you the family you are.

  9. It's so hard to lose a loved one, I pray that your year is filled with love, support. I lost my dog a couple of years ago to dementia, we found another one running around 5 months later and she just fit into our house and hearts perfectly and had perfect timing.

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